A Letter for Mr. Bilawal Bhutto Zardari

Dear Mr. BBZ,

I read it when you said you will have all of Kashmir. My first reaction was anger. But it all subsided gradually and transformed to humor. So much for your awesome, power-packed and vote-begging speech. So much for the passion with which you ‘acted’ that may even give Sunny Deol of Gaddar a run for his money! I know about your family’s fixation with Kashmir, but Mr Zardari, let me first give you an insight about how we Indians function. Spare this a minute, will you?

Do you know that we do not leave even a rupee in change from the autowalla even if we are running late for work? We will wait until the autowalla empties all of his coins and finds that one coin shimmering amidst his palm in a tiny circle! Only then we will let him speed off and go running after our train! All of this, for just that one rupee! And have you heard that if we manage to secure a window seat in trains or busses, we will defend in all our right to be the sole owners and if you ask it from us, you will be met with such a stony glare that will leave you agonized right there!!!

My point here isn’t offering you one rupee or my window seat, but it was just to ask you, in bold capitals… What do you think Kashmir is? Not just a piece of land… not just another ‘part’ of our province… NO! It is much more than just a state. Much much more than a petty piece of land. Have you by chance seen our map? Kashmir is truly placed at the crown of India. WHAT THE FU*K MAKES YOU THINK THAT WE WILL LET YOU HAVE IT??!!

I generally do not tend to abuse in print, but just excuse me this time, will you?! I got carried away. And you were so naive that I think you deserve this shower of abuses. Be it praise or abuses, I try and give their due to the people who deserve it. And you earned it Mr Bilawal, you truly did! Take a bow.

But I must not forget to thank you. Do you have any idea that you have gained more importance than Deepika’s cleavage issue in the tweet world? You have been a source of constant entertainment. Thank you Mr Zardari for you have made for a wonderfully funny Timeline. I would have died of boredom if it weren’t for your Kashmir Jokes. They were hilarious, even at your expense. You make me laugh till my stomach hurts. I will share a little instance. A friend of mine was so depressed with her break up, that only a circus joker would have cheered her up. But since circus is a rare sight these days, I shared with her some YouTube links of your speech parodies and she was in fits of laughter just in a couple of minutes. You are such a savior!

Since you are a year younger than I am, let me give you a piece of advice, kid. Put your good looks to use, you may get a couple of commercials for those cheap hair oils or banyans. Put yourself to some use! May be then, the lady you have hots for, yes the same one with gorgeous overpriced handbags in the country of paupers, will notice you.

Do you want to be known as the Rahul Gandhi of Pakistan? Believe me, you will dread if that is your future! Free advice, take it or leave it!! As for taking care of Kashmir, leave it to us. We know our job better. Please stop poking your nose and ranting about it! Does no good, child!!